I'm feeling good...and it's about time I post here in such a mood.

In truth, I've actually been grumpy and stressed most of the day - my sundresses are all in San Francisco, so I was stuck in jeans for the hot weather, and I've been working since I woke up on the Dior dress for costuming. You've heard me all complain about it, so to show, this is what I have to make first out of muslin and then again out of nice fabric:



Did I mention I touched a sewing machine for the first time only five months ago?

But now that the sun is going down and my dress pieces are stashed away, I started thinking about my college career. Though annoying at most times, I have learned quite a bit and grown so much in the past four years. It's hard to feel as if I'm accomplishing anything, as I don't have anything aside from my GPA to show for it. But really, I'm graduating from a UC. My father didn't finish high school, and I'm the only one in my immediate family to even attend a four-year college. I'm traveling to Guatemala by myself. I have developed and maintained a successful long-distance relationship for over three years. I believe I'm strong, I believe I'm independent, and I believe I could make it through just about any challenge that's thrown at me. For godssake, I was tossed into a job last summer that I knew nothing about and ended up being voted MVP by the end.

So for all the things I could do better that I don't and be perfect at but am not...I have done good. And for that, my father would be proud.

Posted by Lorelei at 7:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i'm showered and shaved and filed and painted.

my room is clean, the common areas are clean, and my laundry will be done in an hour.

i will easily pass all of my classes without giving any sort of effort to studying or finishing project early. without the goal of a grade, i have no motivation to do my homework and learn for my own good.

so now what? i feel bored and lonely down here. i feel guilty for watching movies and listening to music and drinking. i feel i'm wasting away. no purpose. no desire to do the things that will better myself and great shame for staying in my head.

my father would be so disappointed with the way i use my time and the person i am inside.

but then, he killed himself. and all of my things are in their proper places.

Posted by Lorelei at 6:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I haven't blogged in over a month. When I do blog, the number one topic I probably write about here is why I don't blog more often...as I walk around all day, I'm usually observing things in a journal format, writing blog posts over and over in my head. But then I avoid here - I wont click on that little orange B. I've tried speculating before, thinking I don't have the right topic to make my words flow, even thinking the format of my site could keep me from being inspired.

But the truth is, most of the time I hate blogging. Blogging is a time that I can't shut anything out - even if I edit my post greatly for the benefit of any reader, my mind still went to that difficult place, to every place. When I start thinking about myself and my feeling and emotions and why I think the way I do, I start to go crazy. The pain of disliking myself comes flooding in and I don't have any of my normal denial barriers up to stop it. You would think that writing would be therapeutic, but even that former sentence is going to get me in trouble and I just can't truly be honest. In short, blogging for me often means sitting down for thirty minutes and by default overthinking all of the reasons that I'm so disgusted with myself, finding that I'm unable to write openly and freely about them, and trying to bottle them back up again. Some therapy.

I'm still going to keep trying. This false connection with the public, the momentary idea that I'm not alone in my thoughts keeps me coming back here and reaching out. But I can't promise to be consistent. Sometimes writing just hurts too much.

Posted by Lorelei at 11:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I can say I don't want to be dependent.

I can say I don't have a grossly selfish need for attention.

I can say I don't validate myself through sex and love.

But those phrases aren't true. They might be things I'm working towards. But right now, they just aren't true yet.

I'm leaving Santa Cruz for San Francisco tonight.

Because if the world ends, I wont care about anything but having someone who loves me, holding me.

Posted by Lorelei at 11:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I love my girl. I don't think I've been very good at showing that to her most of the time. I've certainly let my critical comments get out of hand and have even once or twice been physical. I'm always ashamed to wake up the next day and see the marks I leave on her. She really is better and tries harder than I give her credit for. I'm so lucky that she's put up with me for this long, and today was as good as any to remind her why she shouldn't run away.

There was no planning on this one. When I woke her up this morning, I only suggested a little drive. You should have seen how excited she was, the idea of going somewhere for the ride not just moving city to city. We used to go for drives and day trips all the time before college started, but the romance just seemed to die as we worked on settling in here. So when I brought it up and she picked Monterey this morning, I decided to make it something big - something that would make her feel special.

I took her to Carmel first. The only time we've seen the city (and Monterey as well for that matter) was on a road trip with dad. He pulled off Highway One so we could see the layout, but we never got the chance to leave the car. That's why I drove straight to the beach and dragged her out onto the sand.


Sand made of marshmallows.

We held hands the whole time, even though it was difficult to climb back up that sandy hill. We stood in the icy tide and watched the surfers play on the bright green waves. And I saw her smile like I haven't seen in ages.

Now it was time for Monterey. I figured we'd just grab a cup of coffee and walk along Cannery Row, but then I started seeing signs for the aquarium. She denied wanting to go, stating it was too much money. She was right about the latter, and I couldn't help but wonder about the big birthdays coming up, the trip to Chicago, the trip to Guatemala...but she's my girl, and when was my girl going to get the chance to visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium again? I certainly hadn't bothered to take her at all these last four years. So I parked, got her high, and went in.


I think we stared at this tank alone for ten minutes.

It was a very impressive place. Sea otters, sharks, penguins...it'd been awhile since we'd looked at sea life like that and it was so cute to hear her go on about the way each creature looked and acted and how they related to the 'big picture'. It's always been easy to like her when she's stoned because she's so much more trusting and willing to say anything. After awhile, the mass amount of children became too much for us both so we stopped talking and shared the iPod - Beirut is the perfect soundtrack for fish.


Notice the headphones.

It was nice to explore the entire building at our own pace and there wasn't one sea anemone left unturned. By then I was full of spirit myself and though the aquarium was over, I wanted the day to keep going - so I took her to a wine tasting bar. We had the perfect view of the bay, a generous bartender (who we both shamelessly flirted with as he poured us extra glasses with extra wine), and even got a cheap blended red out of the deal. I did have to stop her from asking the guy to lunch. While the idea was exciting and bold, fact of the matter was that she's still my girl and we needed this alone time together.

When we stepped back on Cannery Row, she started laughing. Large grin on her face, looking all around, and laughing louder and louder. When she was done and I asked her why, she looked me straight in the eye and told me that she felt anything was possible.

Our lunch was quick and lovely. It was 3pm by then, so we were the only ones in the restaurant. They sat us right by the window and we shared our burger in silent but pleasant conversation while staring at the view. We only broke that silence to laugh at the man in jeans and sneakers who kept getting caught by the waves.


Wouldn't this site take your words away too?

The weed, the wine, the burger, and the sun had hit us both by then, so we drove home listening to Enya (something I hadn't let her play since middle school). She started to laugh again as we left the city limits, but this time her great grin turned to tears. I didn't ask why this time, but just squeezed her hand a little tighter as I watched her from the corner of my eye and promised myself that I wouldn't let these sorts of actions be so few and far between.

I really do love my girl.

Posted by Lorelei at 8:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I kept going back and forth on whether or not I should attend my two pass/no pass classes tomorrow - both have most of the class information online and don't require attendance...however, I am still a student...it would be silly to only attend one out of three classes a day, right?

And then my wonderfully smart boyfriend made a great point: I've completed my minor. I've completed my major. I am currently on nothing more than a three month vacation. I really don't need to do anything more than enjoy Santa Cruz and make sure I don't fail.

So welcome to my vacation. I'm not allowed to be stressed, to be sad or depressed...I'm not allowed to judge myself too harshly if I do silly or crazy things...this is my time. And I'm going to play.

Posted by Lorelei at 12:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've been getting back my freshman sight. During my first year of college everything about Santa Cruz and the school was so fantastic - the people, the scenery, the pace of the city - everyday I would wake up in the middle of the woods and fall in love with where I was living. Those feelings disappeared during the middle years. I spent sophomore year waiting for the moments that I could be in San Francisco instead and junior year hating on my education and the politics of those around me here.

But I'm starting to fall back in love with this place. Looking at it as a person who's leaving and (most likely) will never live here again, I can start to see the trees, the cute shops, and even appreciate the dirty hippies. Santa Cruz has been the perfect playground for me to transition from my parents child into my own self, and I'm happy I'm starting to see it that way again.


Hopefully my new POV will get me to the beach more.

However, for as pretty and calm as this place is, it's often the harder of the two cities to spend the most time in. This place represents such a high level of freedom and low level of responsibility that I end up often not knowing what to do with myself. Most days I can sleep as late as I want, eat what I want, or spend my time playing...all without any sort of consequence. So much freedom and time alone with my thoughts ends up being a negative that I never imagined it could. I'm left feeling lonely and aimless - I never find myself as stuck in bed as I do here.

I can't really blame a city for my emotions, and lord knows that I have some amazing friends to spend my time with here, but on my Santa Cruz days I end up wondering if I'm cut out to be an independent person.

Posted by Lorelei at 11:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)